Communicating is like dancing - whatever you are doing will affect your partner. If you change what you're doing, you can lead your partner to do something different.

How the dance of communication is formed:

When we communicate, we take in what the other person is saying and doing (their external behaviour).

We process this internally, generating an internal response...

... and then an external behaviour.

The other person pays attention to our external behaviour and generates an internal response.

And so a communication loop is formed. It’s a bit like a dance.

The dance of communication is important because it helps us understand the role we play in any interaction.

Say, for example, we're working with someone who annoys us, we might wish they would change.

Yet we can't force someone to change.

So do we have to put up with it?

No.

The only part of the system we can change is us.

We could change what we're saying but, given that over 90% of our communication is non-verbal, the other person is still likely to pick up on our frustrated body language.

If we change what we're thinking - our internal response - then it will impact all aspects of our external behaviour. The input received by the other person will be different and this will change their internal response - hence their output.

So if you're in a tricky communication system, rather than longing for the other person to "see the error of their ways" and make the change, if we start with ourselves we can have a great impact on the outcome.

Understanding the dance of communication is essential to building rapport and being able to pace and lead someone.

Want to know more?

We recommend you book yourself on some NLP training. Whilst it's possible to self-study to learn NLP, the real benefits of Neuro-Linguistic Programming come from practising it with other students and getting good feedback from a qualified trainer.

That way you'll speed up learning your NLP skills and will find the tools easier to apply in all areas of your life.

Good quality NLP courses are available in most countries. You might want to check out our section on how to choose an NLP course.